Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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