I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize