yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
