Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
