A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
