I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
