i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
