My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
