I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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