He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
