I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize