i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
