my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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