fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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