There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
