If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
