As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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