Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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