I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
and she was petting her beer can
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm just crazy horny about you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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