i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i think my mom watched the whole time
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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