Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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