So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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