It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
