I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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