If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
