I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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