Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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