I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
