At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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