Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
