my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
