At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
