I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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