Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
