You're my little dorito
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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