the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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