On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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