I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
