i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
