he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
