So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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