so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
