I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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