First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
