I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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