It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
