Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't turn off my feet"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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