Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
