I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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