def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize