I'm so fucking centered right now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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