I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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