apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
