So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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