i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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