I would go down on you faster than GM stock
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
