My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
