You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
