Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
