i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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