So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
