dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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