I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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