I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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