What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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